Scab music

By Joel Thurtell

Detroit Symphony Orchestra management wants to play hard rock.

They want to keep their $400,000-a-year CEO and their pricey music director, but they want musicians to take a giant pay cut.

Now, having had their cheapskate contract offer rejected by musicians, the DSO board is threatening to replace the musicians.

Until management provoked the strike, the DSO was one of what is known as “first-tier” orchestras in the United  States.

Not now. Already, fine musicians whose artistry make the DSO world-class have decamped for jobs, sometimes at lesser orchestras.

Replacing musicians means disbanding the current orchestra.

Management certainly can try.

Hard to imagine top-flight musicians crossing the picket line and forever wearing the brand of scab.

Reminds me of the Great Newspaper Strike in Detroit, when The Detroit News and Detroit Free Press replaced strikers — one of them me — and proceeded to alienate thousands of former subscribers.

No doubt the DSO can scrape up scabs willing to stab the orchestra’s striking musicians in the back.

But what kind musicians would they be?

And what kind of orchestra would it be?

What kind of audience will they attract?

I cashed in my season tickets as soon as I learned of the strike.

I won’t be going back to Orchestra Hall until its current musicians get a fair contract.

It looks like that may be never.

News and Free Press bosses don’t like to admit it, but the cavity in their circulation numbers, ongoing for years, was dramatically deepened during the strike that began in 1995. There are people in metro Detroit still who refuse to look at the Detroit papers because of the way they screwed their workers. Those readers will never come back.

The DSO runs the risk of alienating large numbers of potential customers forever if it pursues this brazen and pigheaded course of replacing its musicians.

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Cronyism

By Joel Thurtell

When our new Michigan governor, Rick Snyder, announced his support for a government bridge between the U.S. and Canada at Detroit, bucking many of his own Republican legislators and a powerful billionaire, I was hopeful.

It was a display of leadership from Republicans — or at least one Republican — that has been missing in that party for a long time.

But I just can’t swallow the governor’s line that his proposed budget includes shared sacrifice, and that it will somehow benefit even the poor.

The new governor comes from business, where he was a big success. In theory, his business acumen would help him cut through alleged government bureaucracy and get things done that needed doing.

Michigan’s economy certainly needs jump-starting.

But I don’t see how giving business a $1.8 billion tax cut and making up the difference by raising taxes for everyone else equates to shared sacrifice.

I don’t buy the “trickle-down” theory that businesses will invest their tax windfall in new jobs. That line of guff was a recipe for disaster under Herbert Hoover, and the outlook hasn’t changed since the Great Depression.

It looks to me like one businessman giving his brother and sister business people a windfall.

The term for that is not “shared sacrifice.”

It is “cronyism.”

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Dreaming of blue cheese

Peppermint Patti

Peppermint Patti

By Peppermint Patti

A smart dog, Sophie, will not eat blue cheese.

In public.

What I mean by “public” is in the presence of two-leggers.

A dog’s penchant for blue cheese, Sophie, is not something a two-legger readily understands.

I know from experience.

Okay, maybe you don’t see my point.

Not all dogs are endowed with a taste for fine cheese.

It would appear that you black labs fall under the not-endowed-with-a-taste-for-cheese category.

Although I have somehow misplaced my papers, I am a bichon and have a rarified French gout for cheese.

I am gifted in that direction.

I would be falsely immodest if I denied it.

The experience I’m speaking of occurred due to an opportune oversight by my male two-legger.

For a trip, he placed two packages marked “cheese” in a plastic bag.

The package marked “Brie” was less interesting, being unopened and not rife with odors.

But the one marked “Danish blue cheese” had been opened and my two-leggers had sampled from it.

It was the beginning of my great taste opportunity.

The oversight I mentioned occurred when my guy two-legger put the sack containing the cheeses on a bed, by mistake.

Too bad for him.

Hors d’ouvres time came for the two-leggers, and no cheese.

He searched high.

He searched low.

But he didn’t look on that bed.

I was aware, though.

What sentient dog would not have been?

Blue cheese does not waft its odors.

It sprays the smell far and wide.

Only a two-legger could fail to notice.

Ooooooo the smells!

Scentorama.

Stereo stink.

Olfactory surround.

Will power, Sophie, superior will power prevented me from ravaging that package while the two-leggers were around.

By and by, they left. That is when I took up my task.

Hors d’ouvres time for the dog.

Blue cheese is too good to be scarfed up all in one sitting.

I knocked the package to the floor, pawed the top off and had my first taste.

Exquisite!

Do Danes have dogs?

Oh yes, Fat Danes.

But there is a moral to this story.

My two-legger came home and found the unopened Brie.

He accused me of hiding the blue cheese.

He was correct, of course.

I pushed it under a bed.

But he would never have found it, except…

I admit, I just couldn’t stop myself.

When my two-leggers repaired to bed, I slipped under the bed and once more sampled the blue cheese.

I was not as smart as I would have hoped.

My male two-legger heard me slurping.

Unjustly, he took my blue cheese away.

He THREW it in the TRASH!

The least he could have done was let me finish it.

If he wasn’t going to eat it, he should let another enjoy.

And there is your moral: As I say, Sophie, a smart dog will not eat blue cheese in public.

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The man who wasn’t there

The statesman can only wait and listen until he hears the footsteps of God resounding through events, then he must jump up and grasp the hem of His coat, that is all.

— Otto von Bismarck, quoted in Newsweek

By Joel Thurtell

Niall Ferguson, the man Newsweek described in its February 21, 2011 issue as its “new columnist on Obama’s Egypt debacle and the vacuum it exposes,” reminded me of Norman Mailer in “Miami and the Siege of Chicago” trying to excuse his absence from the street action during the 1968 Democratic National Convention.

On its cover, Newsweek used a bright white background with Obama gazing downward and a huge headline that reads, “Egypt: How Oblama Blew It.”

The layout intended for us to think that the downward-looking Obama reflected a man who didn’t, as Bismarck put it,  “hear God’s footsteps.”

Curious to learn just how badly the president screwed up, I started reading the Ferguson piece, which sets itself up with the quotation from the Iron Chancellor that is so vague and so obviously referring to other-century matters that it could be twisted in any direction a devious writer might want.

The column, headed in red and black letters, “WANTED: A GRAND STRATEGY FOR AMERICA,” coasts along for five long paragraphs on a 19th-century Prussian’s coat tails until Ferguson makes this coy admission:

“Last week, while other commentators ran around Cairo’s Tahrir Square, hyperventilating about what they saw as an Arab 1989, I flew to Tel Aviv for the annual Herzliya security conference.”

Oh, wow!

The annual Herzliya security conference!

Man, that must be a really big deal for this Newsweek columnist to get to attend.

So big a deal that, like Mailer in Chicago, he abandoned the scene of action and flew to a place where history was not  happening.

To a place where 140 journalists were not getting bashed.

Oh, there was talk, I’m sure, at this Herzliya security conference.

Lots of bloviating by unnamed people unhappy with Obama’s handling of Egypt.

And Ferguson gives us an earful about how these unnamed people are displeased with Obama for this and that.

What Newsweek printed from its “new columnist” is a hollow pronouncement by a long-dead German and an admission, underlined by braggadocio, that he got out of the place where things were happening and hung out in a place where people were slinging bullshit.

Hell of a reporter.

What we have is an amazing example of journalistic chutzpah.

He’s a reporter, and he missed the big story.

What does he do?

Why, he makes the other reporters out to be chumps.

These are the reporters who stayed in Cairo to report events unfolding, and maybe get beat up.

The other reporters “hyperventilate”?

What should we call what Ferguson is doing?

How about “absentee journalism?”

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Gov learns hard way, Freep’s at lunch

By Joel Thurtell

Let’s see now.

Rick Snyder was sworn in as governor how long ago?

From today’s (February 13, 2011) Detroit Free Press, you’d think he was approaching the end of his first term.

Hoo boy, time for a big job eval.

Except that no, he was only sworn in last month.

So what does the esteemed Free Press plunk down in huge type as its lead story for Page One in today’s Sunday Free Press?

“Gov learns hard way change isn’t easy”

According to a truncated story, the new governor, theoretically because of his political naivete (according to the Free Press), is having trouble accomplishing all his goals.

Gee, I didn’t realize he’d promised to finish his plate by the end of January, less than a month into his first term.

As usual with the Free Press, things are a bit more complex.

The story, with its huge headline, is not to be interpreted literally.

With the Free Press, there’s always a story behind the story.

It’s hard to fathom what motivates Michigan’s Great Morning Tradition, but I doubt all the hoopla is about the governor’s “inability” to get things done in hubba-hubba, chop-chop fashion.

The real message from the Free Press may read like this:

We don’t have any news of substance to put on the front page of our Sunday paper.

Maybe that is all there is to it: Lack of imagination.

Check out the rest of Page One: fluff about a billionaire who happens to be a family man and might — emphasis on the subjunctive, because the deal’s not done — buy the Detroit Pistons basketball team.

There, above the masthead, we learn in huge capital letters that the Free Press is offering its SPRING TRAINING PREVIEW somewhere inside the newspaper.

Still on Page One, underneath the dross about the maybe-Pistons owner, the brains at the Free Press offer us powerful insights into a burning question: “Should Barbie take Ken back?”

If you can’t write anything real, why not write about dolls?

In another shot at the governor, the Free Press worries that Snyder may cut tax incentives to one of the newspaper’s favorite sources of gossip — the film industry. Inside, the paper acts like the governor’s talking about cutting those incentives was a bad thing.

Bad for the film industry, at least, and therefore bad for the newspaper.

I smell an agenda there.

Inside, the paper goes on at more length about the governor’s failure to realize ambitions he set out sometimes right after he was inaugurated, such as building a $2 billion international bridge that has been controversial for years and seemed dead until Snyder injected new energy into the project in a surprise announcement last month.

But Freepsters have their own spin: “A plan to build a new bridge over the Detroit River proves that even $2 billion in free money doesn’t guarantee a slam dunk in Lansing.”

Snyder announced his support for the government bridge last month, and the Free Press is already passing judgment?

There are conspiracy theorists out there who will chide me for not accusing the Free Press of engineering this entire Page One screed as a subtle way of scuttling the governor’s effort to build that bridge and again subtly giving the newspaper’s support to the perennial opponent of a government bridge, Ambassador Bridge owner Manual “Matty” Moroun.

Does that explain all this Page One chaff in the Freep?

There is a more straightforward tneory:

That there was no good sex scandal or bloody shoot-’em-up tabloid trash to fuel headlines.

A thumbnail of this front page:

Special from the Free Press: We’re catching some z’s.

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Township gets ‘earful,’ cider man gets $1 fine

By Joel Thurtell

So there is justice, after all.

An Oakland County judge today listened to a lawyer for Oakland Township argue for a $7,500 fine to teach Rochester Cider Mill owner Tom Barkham a lesson.

The lesson?

Don’t sell Christmas trees on our turf.

According to The Detroit News, the homunculus who passes for a municipal manager in Oakland Township admitted government officials “got an earful” after press reports about how the factotums were abusing a tax-paying business man.

Okay, okay, The Detroit News didn’t call him a homunculus.

They left that job to me.

Now, I gotta ask ya: Where the hell is the Tea Party when you need them?

I heard that so-called grass-roots movement was all about getting government off people’s backs.

Well, why don’t they call out the Minute Men and run those Oakland Township functionaries out of office?

I know, I know: The Tea Party isn’t about getting government off our backs. They’re all about grabbing power and goodies.

I have to give Oakland Circuit Judge Michael Warren credit. He saw through the township’s smear.

Yes, Tom Barkham, his wife, Ruth and son, Trevor violated the township’s zoning ordinance by selling Christmas trees, firewood and tickets to a corn maze.

But a $7,500 fine? And yes, I detected the threat of jail time, too.

They weren’t kidding.

The judge brought the focus back on reality. The township went to battle over nothing of consequence except officials’ own overweening egos.

Oakland Township is a local government that supposedly represents the interests of its residents.

How can township officials justify prosecuting someone for selling Christmas trees?

Tom, Ruth and Trevor Barkham each must pay a $1 fine.

No doubt, they have some legal costs to pay, also.

But I wonder how much money the township blew in this misguided attempt at teaching the Barkhams a lesson?

And just what was the lesson we learned?

That power corrupts.

That idiots get elected to public office.

That it took a court to stop the nonsense.

That the ballot box, either at a general or special recall election, could finish the job by flushing these sorry creatures out of office.

It shouldn’t have to go that far.

Now that they’ve taught the Barkhams their lesson, how about township muck-a-mucks fixing their zoning law so the Rochester Cider Mill can sell a full range of products?

Posted in Bad government, Cider | 1 Comment

Cider man

The bullies who run Michigan’s Oakland Township don’t want you to know that the man they’ve hectored and portrayed as a wily scofflaw is in fact an honest businessman filling several important roles in his community.

Here, reprinted with permission of the Detroit Free Press,  is the October 24, 2001 article I wrote about Tom Barkham when I was a Free Press reporter.

DOUBLE CAREERS

PRESSING BUSINESS

STAYING TRUE TO HIS EARLY ROOTS, VETERINARIAN ALSO RUNS A CIDER MILL

BY JOEL THURTELL

FREE PRESS STAFF WRITER

Wednesday, 10/24/2001

The phone rang at the Rochester Cider Mill last Wednesday with an emergency that had nothing to do with apples.

Mill owner Tom Barkham was showing off his 1878 cider press when he grabbed the phone and listened as symptoms of illness in a guinea pig were described.

Diagnosis from pet owner: possible cyanide poisoning.

Barkham, no ordinary apple smasher, had to leave the apples and drive to the Paint Creek Animal Clinic in Goodison.

There he’s Tom Barkham, DVM, 50, a 1974 graduate of Michigan State University’s veterinary school.

Most of the year, his job is diagnosing and treating sick cows, horses, sheep, dogs, cats – and the occasional hamster or guinea pig.

Barkham took on cider-making 22 years ago by accident, though some might say he came to apple pressing the way he got into animal doctoring.

Naturally.

Barkham grew up near Goodison on his family’s 80-acre farm. His grandfather bred cattle and sheep and grew hay and corn. Barkham worked around livestock and came to love the animals.

As an MSU freshman, he already knew he’d be a vet.

But as a kid he also picked apples for a neighboring orchardman, and his Cub Scout den had a fund-raiser. “We’d pick up windfall apples, gleaning the orchards,” Barkham said. The scouts had the apples pressed into cider and sold it.

As a new vet in the mid-1970s, Barkham converted a Goodison barber shop into an animal hospital.

But across the street was the more spacious Goodison Cider Mill. Maybe he’d turn it into a clinic.

Mill owner Lloyd Blankenburg said, “Why don’t you try running the mill?”

So he tried it. That was 1979. And the mix worked. Spring is the busy time for a veterinarian, with heartworm testing and delivering lambs, foals and calves.

So when the fall cider season arrives, there’s time for less pressing matters – like apples.

“You don’t get three o’clock a.m. calls for an emergency gallon of cider,” he said.

In 1990, Barkham sold the Goodison mill.

He had expanded his cider empire in 1981 when he bought a Rochester cider business after its location had been zoned residential. Township officials refused to let the Barkhams reopen the mill. Barkham sued, and a judge eventually allowed Barkham to run the cider mill for five months a year. Any kind of year-round store, such as a restaurant, crafts or antiques, is banned in the area, said Oakland Township Supervisor Susan Hoffman.

The cider business has stresses, too. Apples were once grown in nearby orchards. Barkham even tended an orchard, trucking the apples to his mill.

One year, he couldn’t find pickers and lost the crop. He quit tending orchards. Adding to the difficulty, the land surrounding his mill, once thick with apple trees, has been turned into subdivisions. Barkham now trucks his apples from orchards in Lapeer County.

Barkham prides himself on making a sweet cider with lots of body. He filters his cider, so the liquid contains little pulp.

Oakland Township has never had problems with Barkham’s mill, said Hoffman, who thinks fondly of the vet.

“He was the only doc who would take care of my pet pig,” Hoffman said, “And they have great doughnuts!”

As a vet, Barkham is eager to talk about how he cured Krueger’s dog of mange or how the guinea pig – thought to have eaten poison – instead had overgrown teeth which, when filed, allowed the animal to eat.

But then the vet hat comes off.

Jonathans, northern spies, mackintoshes, galas, red delicious and golden delicious all are part of the Rochester mix.

Barkham refuses to say how much of each apple variety he uses to make his cider.

“It’s a secret,” he said, grinning.

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Hassling the cider man

By Joel Thurtell

It’s hard to imagine how a little cider mill operating in a rural setting in northern Oakland County, Michigan, could threaten the elected officials of Oakland Township.

Yet the township board of Oakland Township has dragged Rochester Cider Mill owner Tom Barkham into court, charging him with criminal activity for —

Are you ready for this?

For selling Christmas trees.

Somehow, Tom Barkham has threatened the august authorities in Oakland Township by selling yuletide decorations.

What could be more American and, yes, more Christian, than retailing Christmas trees, and yet the powers-that-be in Oakland Township have cost Barkham, a veterinarian and master cider-maker, thousands of dollars in legal costs for, of all things, selling Christmas trees.

Selling Christmas trees at a little cider mill in the boondocks north of Rochester, Michigan.

Somehow, the sale of Christmas trees at a cider mill founded long before this township became a bedroom community has become a fly in the ointment for local government martinets.

Today, in Oakland County Circuit Court, Tom Barkham could be fined $7,500 for criminal contempt.

Oh yes, he’s also charged with selling firewood and tickets to a corn maze.

The man is a real danger to the community: Christmas trees, firewood and corn maze tickets.

At the very tail end of a Detroit Free Press article about Barkham’s troubles with Oakland Township, Barkham is allowed to have a word or two.

“Sometimes, like someone once told me, if someone has a little power, they like to use it,” said Barkham.

In this case, some penny-ante township officials have the power not only to railroad a small business operator into expensive litigation, but they also know how to bully their way into newspaper columns.

This is America, after all, a country where journalists habitually see the world through government-tinted eyeglasses, where reporters and their puppet-master editors swallow government spin and wantonly pillory private people who have somehow stumbled into the crosshairs of officialdom.

Spoonfed journalists will lecture you about their reverence for “balance,” and then to demonstrate their “fairness,” consign the flimsy pretence of “balance” to the final two paragraphs of a pro-government story. Which is exactly what the Free Press did with the Barkham story.

But let me ask: What the hell difference does it make to Oakland Township whether Tom Barkham sells Christmas trees at his cider mill?

Or firewood.

Or tickets to a corn maze.

Who cares?

And by the way, are Christmas trees so far unrelated to apple cider that they should be banned from sale in the yard of this business that has operated, with minor interruption, since 1947?

I’ll tell you who cares: pettifogging government bureaucrats with a control fetish. Township muckamucks who’d rather see their landscape littered with tract houses and big box stores than pay homage to a traditional business like pressing apples into cider. Government toadies who can’t see that a little family-run cider mill is a positive attraction in their increasingly yuppified and uglified bedroom community.

I’ve seen the same bullshit in Canton Township. In the 1960s, Canton Township was still known as the “sweet corn capital” of Michigan. Today, Canton is a mind-boggling mess of tract houses and commercial development where one family still manages to raise corn. The Hauks have Mary’s farm market at Ford and Beck that has suffered harassment from township zoning officials simply for being what they are — a roadside store that sells fruit and vegetables, including sweet corn they raise thesmelves.

I should note, though, that the Hauks cultivate their sweet corn in Washtenaw County, outside the jurisdiction of Canton Township.

For some reason, people who move from cities into the country don’t like to see vestiges of the agricultural economy and culture that once ruled their area.

And so, like Mary’s Market, the Rochester Cider Mill is having troubles with government factotums who’d rather homogenize their landscape into single-family homes and jettison all signs of the rural past.

Now, I’ll tell you flat out: I like Tom Barkham. And I like his family. They work hard running the Paint Creek Animal Clinic and the Rochester Cider Mill. As a Detroit Free Press reporter some 10 years ago, I wrote articles about their cider business.

The Barkhams make the best apple cider in the world. I still have gallon jugs of their holiday cider in my freezer, and I’ll be sad when we’ve drunk the last drop.

I’d be even sadder if the township government, aided and abetted by the Oakland County Circuit Court, achieved what Tom Barkham suspects is their ultimate goal, as he stated in the next-to-last paragraph of the Free Press article: driving him out of business with their incessant and petty  legal nitpicking.

I have a question for the power brokers in Oakland Township:

What’s wrong with selling Christmas trees at a cider mill?

Posted in Bad government, Cider, Joel's J School | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Bridge manual

From: Billionaire

To: Jailbird

Subject: Handbook for stealing public land

1. Hire all the lawyers.

2. Sue all governments.

3. Decide what we want.

4.  Take it.

5. If somebody objects, sue.

6. Sue first, figure things out later.

We take what we want.

Court says “no”?

Sue some more.

If we want a city park, take it.

Somebody says we should guard park?

Show them what “guard” means.

Hire  shotgun totin’ goon to harass and intimidate people in park.

Threaten, detain, show shotgun on front seat of goon’s truck.

Scare people out of park.

If they don’t scare, kick them out.

Have lawyers tell judge: Nobody uses park.

Give park to us for free.

How I got to be billionaire.

Play 9/11 card.

We need park for security.

Somebody might bomb our bridge.

People are scared of terrorists.

Terror is us.

Tell judge we need park to safeguard bridge.

(Don’t tell ’em we really want park to site new bridge.)

Put up fence on park.

Make phony “Homeland Security” signs. Hang from fence.

Don’t say no fences on Canadian side of our bridge means our claim = bull.

Don’t mention there’s no fence even on opposite side our bridge in U.S. where we don’t need land for new bridge.

Security = smoke screen.

What we really want: City land for free for new bridge.

How I got to be billionaire.

Executive summary:

Harass, bully, intimidate, deceive, deny, never admit defeat.

Sue, sue, sue, no matter the cost.

Let them know:

I am Bridge Man.

Bridge Man not right, but Bridge Man always fight.

Posted in Me & Matty | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

WOW!

By Joel Thurtell

Pinch me.

Is this real?

My wife and I are on the road. We’re staying in Pennsylvania tonight. After dinner, we went to a hilarious movie. While watching “Little Fockers,” my cell phone began to buzz.

I didn’t take that call. My pocket vibrated again as we were walking into the motel.

I grabbed the phone and listened.

Amazing.

Our new governor, Rick Snyder, is for the DRIC. In his State of the State speech, not only did he come out for it, but he’s put action ahead of words. He’s already been  to Washington, D.C. and worked out a deal with the feds to match with federal highway funds the $550 million the Canadians offered to lend Michigan towards bridge construction.

No comment from Matty Moroun, the billionaire owner of the Ambassador Bridge who tossed more than half a million of contributions at Michigan legislators, expecting them to kill the government bridge, leaving him with the monopoly he now has with his decrepit 1929 span.

Last year, Republicans killed the DRIC in the state Senate.

They seemed ready to stifle it again.

Snyder is a Republican.

The last governor was for the bridge, too. But Jennifer Granholm is a Democrat.

The same political party that stymied the bridge now has a governor who’s in favor of it.

Not just in favor, but actually went to Washington and worked out details that can make this project happen.

I believe the governor when he says he believes workers all over the state will benefit from this project.

At last we have a leader willing to stand up and say that the wishes of one selfish billionaire should not hold the state back from the economic development we need.

Thank you, Gov. Snyder.

Posted in Me & Matty | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments