Guts on the floor


1. (tr) to remove the internal organs of; disembowel
2. (tr) to deprive of meaning or significance
3. (Medicine / Surgery) (tr) Surgery to remove the contents of (the eyeball or other organ)
4. (Medicine / Surgery) (intr) Surgery (of the viscera) to protrude through a weakened abdominal incision after an operation
having been disembowelled
[from Latin ?viscer?re to disembowel, from viscera entrails]
evisceration  n
eviscerator  n

— The Free Dictionary

By Joel Thurtell

A pretty sight it was not.

There on the media room floor lay Newt “The Newter” Gingrich, whimpering, with his intestines spread around him.

We all felt sorry for him.

It is not often that you see a powerful politician and historian like The Newter brought so low.

His bowels lay steaming on the floor.

Groaning, The Newter tried to stuff his entrails back into his belly.

“Who did this to me?” moaned The Newter.

It was not an easy job, packing The Newter’s guts back into that slimy envelope whence they had so violently been ripped.


The incision seemed very neat and straight, as if it had been done with a scalpel, with surgical precision.

But from the howling, it was apparent no anaesthetic had been used.

Political commentators gathered to pass judgment.

“The Newter always howls,” said one pundit. “The noise factor is no proof that he was not anesthetized. He could very well be feeling no pain, and screaming for the sake of his conservative base.”

One thing was clear, The Newter needed his guts put back where they started from.

But along with the blubber, there was all that blubbering.

“Who did this to me?” The Newter wailed.

An aide stepped over the mess to console The Newter. “This was the work of the liberal media,” the aide said.

“I thought so!” moaned The Newter. “Who? Who?”

The aide held a newspaper over The Newter’s head.

“It was The New York Times,” the aide said. “The Times wrenched your innards out.”

And so it was.

On February 1, 2012, The New York Times launched two separate attacks on The Newter’s midriff, leaving the erstwhile historian with it all hanging out.

The first knife assault occurred in the jump to a Page One upper-case headline article, “ROMNEY WINS BIG AS FLORIDA VOTES, TAKING BACK REINS.”

The most unkind cut by the journalists was trying to foist the blame for the gutting on Mitt Romney.

According to Times reporters Jeff Zeleny and Jim Rutenberg, “Mr. Romney overwhelmed and eviscerated Mr. Gingrich.”

That was the first journalistic slash at The Newter, on page A16.

Turn to page A17, and a second two-reporter team of Timesters jumped The Newter.

In the very lead of their “analysis” article, “Nasty Fight May Carry Political Costs for Romney,” Timesters Michael Barbaro and Ashley Parker really gashed Newt’s gut:

With his resounding victory over Newt Gingrich in Florida on Tuesday, Mitt Romney showed a worried Republican base a side of himself that it has both longed for and feared he lacked: the agile political street fighter, willing to mock, scold and ultimately eviscerate his opponent.

Once again, the Times boys blame the gutting on Romney.

It’s clear who wielded the knife.

“Help me stuff ’em back in here,” growled the Newter, regaining his pizzazz. “Get me a clean suit.”

“I’ll need all my guts to carry on this primary fight!”

A pundit stooped over the prone politician. “Aren”t you gonna go after those Timesmen?”

“What good would that do?” said The Newter. “Can’t eviscerate ’em.”

“Why not?” said the pundit.

“No guts!”





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